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Jammy's Journal  its been awhile, but since im procrastinating, i might as well babble nonsense for awhile, or stream of consciousness. my dad was just in here yelling at my sister and i grammatically incorrectly too to make things worse, but then this statement has grammar issues. my mom has been on me to get married or engaged or something, and the more i look at us as in my family unit, the more i realize how dysfunctional we are. i know i should be saying this on a random online journal and i doubt anyone really cares, but it just helps me clear my mind at least for the time being. i mean yes, there are divorced and separated families, but my family clearly is insane. my mother has insecurity issues, weight issues, and god knows what else. my dad is so stubborn that he refuses to acknowledge the fact that he is human and capable of error. my grandmother is still with the idea of a society where she rules and so everything MUST be done her way. after not living with my parents for the past 5 years, compromise is hard enough. believe me the israeli/palestinian conflict is nothing compared to the verbal outbursts in this family. so yes, my dad was screaming at my sister and i about a science research project that my sister has been assigned for school. since im supposedly intelligent due to my prestigious university attendance, i was delegated to help her. i worked with her to come up with an outline on solar energy and etc. only to have my dad yell himself purple. essentially it was only a format conflict. he wanted the introduction, the body, the presentation of the hypothesis, etc. whereas i had stated the problem, the hypothesis, etc. first. i tried to reason and explain this to him only to have say okay if you know better, then you figure it out with her as my sister hides beneath a sweater to drown out our "lingo." esp. since my dad has lectured me on points of view this past week, i find it rather hypocritical that he did not even try to comprehend what i was saying because if he did, he would be so upset by all this. the level of comprehension makes me wonder at times whether or not we speak the language. yes, literally, we both speak either mandarin or english, but god...i just cannot get through to him, is it the generation gap, the environmental factors that influenced our characters, or what? if anyone has any ideas, please enlighten me. maybe i should pick up sign language or something, hes not much for interpretative dance. ever look at a word and it looks weird to you...anyways, other factors on my mind. the idea of the new year always strikes fear in me because i hate getting old. i associate old with the 20s, which i know is absurd, but still..adding to that list botox, and just overall a physical deterioration of the body and perhaps even mental. it seems like, the older you get, the more stressed and responsibilities one has. a 50 year old cannot really go run around a field pretending to be an airplane without raising some eyebrows whereas a 5 year old can do it and be aww-ed. knowing me, i probably will be that 50 yr old crazy loon frolicking around because marriage does not seem to be suited towards me. adoption yes. family yes..husband no. new years resolutions are always the same: lose 10 pounds, find a serious boyfriend, stop dillydallying, be a better person, etc. maybe i am just inherently a bad person and salvation is not for me. i mean, i really like stilettos and as much as i try, i cannot seem to stop drooling over the perfect proportions...meaning im usually broke, and one day, will have to live with my shoes in the street because i refuse to part with them. i tried one day going through my collection to ebay some of them or what not, but alas, no luck. each one is just so special in its own lil box...okay, im starting to sound deranged. guys..yes, i get the hollas and the hooting and the catcalling by vendors and other interesting characters, but never anything serious. my friend remarked to me that i did not seem to be the type to be serious...maybe i should invest in glasses and i dont know...recently at a club i was dancing w. this very nice man who could not dance like diego luna, but otherwise was very nice, handsome, etc. i told him i would catch him later so i could jump around like an idiot by myself. then i started dancing w. this other guy who i assumed to be gay because no straight male has ever made such a display of himself in my experience and my girls will back me up in saying they thought it was safe. it was a lot of fun being extremely stupid w. this guy until i realize he was straight when he stuck his hands down my pants, and end of discussion. then i saw the first guy i had been dancing with looking at us with such a hurt expression. it really jolted me that i could hurt someone so unintentionally. i was only looking for a dance partner, but still the expression is rather vivid in my mind. he must think i am such a slut. whoever coined that word should be shot. it leaves a nasty after taste. i will not continue this either. now that ive lost focus on what it is that i was supposed to be contemplating, i guess ill go do something productive like stare at my organic chem book and wish that i knew all the material in there rather than read it because ill be too busy envisioning some other design that i have no patience to create except in theory. happy holidays, sorry about this long-winded entry. miss you all. xoxo Current mood:  contemplative.Current music: rain- hilary duff yes...im a dork. this is rather amusing. so yes i am updating...*shock* anywho im back @ vassar and its not as bad as i imagined it to be, probably because im incredibly busy running around, amazingly im actually really happy right now. i got to talk to my dinosaur and hes just wonderful. i see him and i smile. i dont know what im going to do w/o him if i go abroad. i was thinking this morning of my italian boy, god..he was just so sexy, everything, from the minute i saw him, to dancing w. him, hes excellent. everything, its just i wish i could see him again, but our one night was priceless. him sitting at a table with friends, him standing up and us just staring at each other, well me looking up cuz he was like half a foot taller than me. i remmeber how much i just wanted him to stay, and talk, but then he had to go, and we kissed...awww...lol. yeah italian boys arent really my thing, im still looking for prince charming...listening to the lifehouse CD, and its amazing. ive forgotten how much i enjoy listening to it. anywho im going to go buy paper clips. xoxo hey guys...my laptop crashed so i lost all of my pictures stored on here so if any of you have any chatham or pics of ppl i know, email them to me please xoxo jigeng@vassar.edu. thank you, esp. becca if you have the pictures of us from formal and then any grad pics too. love u all so yes...matt made me watch that movie of that american contractor who got his head sawed off...and now that entire episode wont leave my mind. it makes me so sick. at the same time that i know its real, it seems so not real. humanity is sick. they literally just sawed him head off and held it up. my god. before that they made him talk about his family, etc. i feel so sick. thank god that annie kept me sane until 3 in the morning, and then i went back to my room to sleep, but i couldnt because it is still in my head. i wish everyone would just stop, i have no idea what exactly is wrong w. me...im just hurting myself, and i dont understand why. unfortunately i cant feel anything, and theres no one at vassar who cares. life has been crazy. between work, working out, hanging, and god knows what else...i hardly have time to breathe. luckily rooming w. basse senior year helps because we obviously never slept unless it was through class or chapel or some other required event neither one of us wanted to go to. i miss her :( moving on, i am so incredibly sore from the jamaican dancing workshop, modern dance class, and ballet...and then this person stepped on my toe and just stood on it so now my pointe is kind of off. how do people just stand on other people and not realize it!?!?!? the great thing is last night i got to dance w. my very hot french guy friend. he is so incredibly ugh...i just want to jump you type. his name is charles, and he lives in paris. i just sit and listen to him talk, its wonderful. the only problem is that he likes guys, but i can overlook that because hes still mine, but i love jordan too. my poor baby, hes stressed due to work, etc. god...just breathe. i did buy him milano cookies double chocolate and clammy mint chocolate too. to end this pointless entry, matt is so f. ugh.  The Guardian Adventure, thrill seeking, loyal, with high goals for themselves, and equally high standards for society. They protect what they stand for, and those that cannot stand up for themselves. A unique perspective on one's inner self: who are you? brought to you by Quizilla paul, franceso, ian... im waiting for my friend, annie, to finish her grooming so we can go EAT, but yeah...shes still in the bathroom. nothing exciting has happened yet, but i suppose since its pretty much my last semester here so ill make the best of it, and try to get to know more people. yesterday was pretty great, dan is really cute, but metrosexual or nonsexual. i folded jordan's laundry for him; i missed him so much, and then this girl mia gave me an evil look because i was in jordan's room, hello he doesnt like girls...but i guess possessiveness extends to every arena. i think im going to try to spend more time w. him because theres just a connection, karma mb? ok, shes ready, love you  Hopeless Flirt What Kind of FLIRT are you? brought to you by Quizilla |
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